Recently, having your partner stay in contact with an ex was almost a synonym for alarm. Jealousy, fears, insecurities took over the relationship. But now something has radically changed in how we see this. Many people interpret that someone can get along well with their ex as a green flag, as something positive that indicates emotional maturity and the ability to close chapters without resentment.

This change says a lot about how we understand breakups today. In Spain, having ex-partners is completely normal. According to the CIS report on Sexual and Partner Relationships of 2025, the average Spanish citizen has four stable partners throughout their life. And this is no coincidence: relationship stability has decreased compared to previous generations, meaning more breakups and more re-partnering.

The numbers confirm it. Among those over 55, it’s common to have had only one relationship. But as age decreases, the average rises: three partners between 45 and 54, two to three between 35 and 44, back to three between 25 and 34, and down to two between 18 and 24. The pattern repeats with sexual partners: while young people tend to have been with five to ten people, those over 55 usually have only one.

Today’s speed has a lot to do with it. New connections with a click, conversations that start and end within hours, relationships that begin on an app and disappear with an unmatch. Anna Monné, psychologist and couples therapist in Barcelona, explains how this affects how we feel about bonds. On one hand, exposure to more breakups can teach us that pain is not final, that we can rebuild. But on the other hand, it can foster the idea that relationships are almost disposable, what sociologist Zygmunt Bauman called liquid love.

The problem is how we have labeled the concept of ex. Valentina Berr, coordinator of the book (h)amor11 ex, reflects on how every concept preceded by ex is meant to be explained backwards. The prefix defines what is no longer, but has gone. However, in emotional terms, it functions as an eternal label. As Celia Hort explains in the same volume, it’s a condition for life that only disappears if the relationship is resumed. You will never be my girlfriend again, but I will never stop being your ex.

Although data shows that having an ex is widespread, the narrative around them is linked to failure, forgetfulness, even hostility. Capitalist mechanisms have made the couple the only path to success in the collective imagination. If we don’t manage to pair up, we are failures. On social media, the discourse is rejection and overcoming. Phrases like “no contact with the ex,” “don’t talk or write to an ex,” “the past is not revisited without paying a price,” go viral constantly.

Ex-partners are not only seen as personal failure. When someone starts a new relationship, they tend to be demonized. Lucía G. Romero recounts in Love Testimonials how she began to see her partners’ past relationships as a threat, a trace that tarnished what they built. Psychologist Hugo Vega explains clearly: when love is understood from exclusivity and possession, the ex becomes an uncomfortable reminder that generates doubts, jealousy, and insecurities.

Anna Monné adds that women have been conditioned to compare themselves, as if they had to prove they are better than the ex. Men are given the idea of territory and competition: if someone was there before, they are a rival who can question their control. From both perspectives, any previous bond is perceived as an automatic threat.

But there is a shift in perspective underway. Historically, romantic relationships were tied to rigid structures like marriage and family. Breakups involved cutting off all those shared spheres. Today, there is a more flexible view that allows assuming new roles without complete disappearance. Pablo Viñuela, psychologist in Toledo, observes more continuous and negotiated models: the ex is no longer someone who dies symbolically, but someone with whom the role is redefined. Sometimes they are friends, sometimes cordial contacts, sometimes just someone you know through social media.

This is precisely the proposal of the book (h)amor11 ex: to question whether exes are stories that should stay in memory or be erased. They propose a diverse approach that tries to unite two seemingly opposing concepts: ex-girlfriend and future. Valentina Berr talks about a lesbian escape point that slips out of the tentacles of the monogamous system. Where others see a threat, many lesbians see in the ex-girlfriend other things. Where others see a figure from the past, they see the ex-girlfriend as a possibility of the present, even the future.

Queer culture has historically built affective networks on the margins of traditional family models. In the absence of support from their original families, they integrated friendships and ex-partners into their closest circles. This favored less rigid relational models where bonds are not classified in a closed manner. In more normative contexts, breakups tend to be all or nothing. In these models, something different is allowed.

Sara, a 22-year-old bisexual, observes that in her environment only her lesbian friends tend to maintain relationships with their exes. It’s much more common to stay in contact with ex-girlfriends than with ex-boyfriends. Alexia, a lesbian, says that when a relationship between two women ends well but they no longer see each other as a couple, it’s easier to keep in touch and even remain friends. Exes become sources of support, they already know your story, and become pillars of security.

However, to have a healthy relationship with an ex, specific conditions are needed. Respect and affective responsibility from both parties, the end of the romantic bond, a mourning process, elimination of romantic expectations. Hugo Vega is clear: this does not apply to relationships where there was abuse or violence. But when these conditions are met and the bond is transformed, it indicates very positive things: the ability to close cycles healthily, emotional responsibility, a more secure attachment pattern.

Knowing how a person relates to their environment, including their exes, provides information about how they might relate to you. That’s why more and more people interpret a good relationship with exes as a sign of emotional maturity, as a green flag. Viñuela warns that this doesn’t mean being friends with all exes, but maintaining and transforming these relationships indicates whether the person knows how to close cycles without turning them into battlegrounds.

However, it’s not always a green flag. Hugo Vega clarifies: it may not be when there is hidden emotional dependence, when the new partner feels displaced, or when clear boundaries are not established. That’s why, more than just getting along with exes, the true green flag is having transformed the bond without ambiguity. That truly speaks to maturity in closing cycles.